You kids these days don’t know what real gaming is. You talk about you Call of honor And Gears of halos like it was spun gold straight out of God’s ass. Back in our day were there Real games… inventive, crazy, difficult games that charged a quarter for each game and made you stand in front of a giant wooden cabinet while playing. And we had to walk fifteen miles in the snow to play them. Uphill! Both sides!
To wait! Come back here, brats. This is important. You sit here and let us regale you with stories and videos about what made the golden age of arcades so special, or help me, I’ll throw that WiiStation 360 of yours right out the window, dagnabbit.
Bad Dudes against DragonNinja
Best game to make President Reagan look cool
Publisher: Data East
“President Ronnie has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you bad enough to save Ronnie?’ Unsure? What if I told you that the president will offer to “take you out for a burger” if you are successful? That is what I thought. LET’S DO THIS! —Andrew Cunningham
Best remedy for the munchies
Publisher: Data East
Conceptually, this game is just brilliant; scrambling to build your burgers while being chased by sausages and a fried egg is like a deep fryer’s greasy nightmare. As is the norm for games of the era, it’s also incredibly difficult; don’t expect to master it overnight. It has held up really well though. It has that magical combination of challenge, rhythm, and that “one more try” appeal that still makes it worth plundering for a few quarters. —Aurich Lawson
The best game you probably didn’t know was an arcade game first
Most people probably know contra from the NES port, along with the now infamous Konami code to get 30 lives. What you may not know if you’ve never played the original is that the arcade version used a vertical monitor orientation, which made for a completely different feel with a much larger playing field. —Aurich Lawson
Best human flight simulator
With dual joysticks and no buttons, this game controls like no other. You have to dodge closing windows, falling plants, King Kong, power wires and even bird droppings. If you pause too long, you will hear “Go for it!” The biggest problem in the arcade was damage to the joystick from overzealous play. —Eric Bangman
Donkey Kong Jr.
Best reversal of expectations in a sequel
Wait, suddenly Mario is evil and Donkey Kong is good… where did the world go? This could have been a boring derivative game after the success of the first Donkey Kong, but the climbing mechanics and different levels were well executed. —Eric Bangman