Mon. Sep 26th, 2022
It took a year, but Gwyneth Paltrow figured out how to exploit the pandemic

Gwyneth Paltrow is at it again. Here’s the scene for the perfect grift for our times:

Tens of millions of people across the country have been sickened by COVID-19. Nearly half a million have been killed. Given the chronic shortages of testing, there are likely millions more infected and never diagnosed. Some of those infected will develop long-term effects and show lasting symptoms for weeks to months — or maybe longer.

Sometimes the symptoms appear to be a direct extension of the disease, such as persistent shortness of breath, coughing and/or chest pain. Other times, the symptoms can be more inconspicuous, such as fatigue and difficulty concentrating, known as “brain fog.”

So far, it’s unclear how many people will suffer from “prolonged COVID,” although it’s clear it could affect people regardless of whether they had mild, moderate or severe illness. A project to monitor COVID symptoms in the UK estimates that 10 per cent of those infected have symptoms for more than two weeks. A study led by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 35 percent of symptomatic adults had not returned to their previous health status two to three weeks after testing positive. Looking at previously healthy people ages 18 to 34 in that study, CDC researchers found that 20 percent had long-lasting symptoms. According to other studies, people hospitalized with COVID-19 are at a much higher risk of long-term COVID-19.

Regardless of the exact percentages, the absolute number of people with long-term effects will undoubtedly be significant, probably in the millions – in the US alone. The virus has spread rampant, so even a small piece is still a huge number of people. Researchers are bracing for a huge wave of long-term illness in the wake of the pandemic. And they’re working quickly to understand as much as possible about long-term COVID — what causes it, who gets it, and most importantly, how to treat it.

But they have done their job for them. With some early reports suggesting inconspicuous symptoms such as fatigue, it can be difficult to disentangle cases of long-term COVID from other health conditions. And with the testing barriers in the US, many people may have long-standing COVID who never tested positive for the virus to begin with, creating the challenge for doctors to diagnose them retroactively.

So basically there’s this huge new patient population, which is currently so poorly identified and so poorly understood that it can include almost anyone with the vaguest of symptoms.

Do you see the marketing potential here? Gwyneth Paltrow certainly does.

crack COVID

In a recent blog post, Paltrow revealed that she became ill with COVID-19 “early” in the pandemic and is now suffering from prolonged COVID. Specifically, she says she experienced fatigue and brain fog in the wake of her infection. That is very unfortunate, and she has our sincere condolences. Fortunately, however, she seems to be managing her long-term illness extremely well, staying physically active, being social via zoom, focused on improving the appearance of her skin and involved in creative business projects.

She has even found an evidence-free but certainly effective treatment regimen for her long-term COVID. And she’s eager to tell you about it in a post filled with products from her lifestyle ecommerce brand Goop and affiliate links.

To help develop the regimen, the actor turned peddler of exploding vagina candles (of course) consulted with a chiropractor. The chiropractor, Will Cole, put Paltrow on a part-fast, part-keto diet plan that is somehow “vegetable” except that it contains “fish and a few other meats.” To complement this “freewheeling” diet, Paltrow also swallows a $102 fistful of vitamins and supplements, which is washed down with a $60 “detoxifying” powder mixed with water.

Although Paltrow says she felt “energized, healthier” before even starting the diet, Cole told her that based on her “labs”, she needed a lot of healing, which will take “longer than usual”. Because of course, who needs short-term proof of benefits when you can just sign yourself up indefinitely for an expensive, unproven, long-term treatment that will pay off…someday…probably?

In addition to Cole’s protocol, the head of Gooper has found a number of proprietary methods to alleviate her long-term COVID symptoms. Despite struggling with fatigue, she says she has energy and has exercised in the mornings, including lots of walking. To keep pulling, she backs a $220 pair of hiking boots, a $145 hiking tank top, and an $8,600 gold chain. [Yes, you read that correctly.] Apparently Paltrow has a thing for wearing necklaces, often several at once. “But for a walk, just this” [$8,600] one is perfect,” she writes.

When she’s not climbing mountains to battle her COVID fatigue, she focuses her foggy mind on making sure her skin looks good for her many Zoom meetings. She’s touting four products just for this part of her long-COVID regimen. They are a $500 infrared sauna blanket, a $98 oil, a $125 serum, and a $125 acid peel.

And after all that expensive exercise, skincare regimen, and video conferencing, Paltrow kicks back in a $125 “Goop University” T-shirt and a $32 mocktail served in a $112 glass.

And there you have it, dear readers. Gwyneth Paltrow has long nailed COVID.

By akfire1

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